What am I doing?

So I've been in teacher's college for a week now. Some of you may be wondering why that is. It's certainly a question that I've asked myself more than once.

I'd say it started about a year ago. I had spent an entire summer sending out one job application every day to no avail. I had no job and no real prospects on the horizon. Other than my writing, I had no real avenue for productive work or intellectual stimulus. In Japan, the common term for a young person in such conditions is NEET, which stands for Not in Employment, Education or Training. It has a bit of a more derogatory connotation in Japan, meaning someone that just sort of mooches off family members while pursuing nerdy hobbies. It felt fairly appropriate to me, as at times it felt like I was essentially living from anime to anime, game to game.

So when my father suggested that I go to teacher's college on a Friday afternoon last September, I said sure almost automatically.

Why'd I do that?

It's not because I have a terrible amount of enthusiasm for helping young minds blossom. I"m not against that, sure, but it's not something that really gives me a high. That's not to say I didn't enjoy the work I did teaching English to immigrants a few months back, but it's still not something that's essential to me.

No, the reason I said yes to that suggestion is I didn't know what else I could do. The prospect of grad school and getting a History PhD did not appeal to me. I was limited by my lack of languages and the enormous investment of money and time that that would require (for no tangible gain, getting a Professorship in History is the longest shot one can take) made it an awful prospect. Law was completely out of the question. My resume could not get me even the most demeaning of work.

So I said yes. I said yes so that I could tell people that I was doing something with my life. I said yes because I couldn't find a real justification for a no. I said yes because I'd essentially given up.

And so here I am.

I can say that after one week as a Teacher Candidate that everything they've asked of me is well within the realm of the possible. Preparing lesson plans, following curricula, throwing together 'Ideas forums' and generally making all the sounds that a teacher is supposed to make is something I'm perfectly capable of. In spite of my introverted personality, I can even do public speaking fairly well. If I apply myself, do all the readings and listen to the Professors, I think I can easily do quite well.

But no part of me wants to.

When I'm over there I take note of the raison d'êtres the other Teaching Candidates have on display. The people that have wanted to be teachers since they were 4. The people that have already spent a year teaching primary kids in Inner City London. The people that earnestly want to pursue the profession.

Do I belong with such company?

When I think back, I really did enjoy my after school tutoring last year. I liked playing Magical Banana, I liked coming up with creative writing assignments, I liked teaching essays and I liked my students. So maybe this is all nerves. Maybe when I"m waking up at 7:30 in the morning to go to teach actual students in November I'll actually feel a bit less horrified at what I've done to myself. Maybe it'll all turn out fine.

The problem is though that, given the choice, I've always known what I actually wanted to be. I finished a novel just two weeks and it's a pretty good piece of work, if I do say so. But the problem with having any sort of writing aspirations is that you are told from the get-go to presume failure. Not one person that I've spoken to sincerely believes that I can feed myself with my writing. Ever since I was 15, I have been told that I'd need a day job.

And so here I am, putting three years of work on Grace aside to try to get a day job. Is that the right thing to do?

I feel as though no matter what I do I shall have regrets. I fear that I shall be stripped of my very identity and live a miserable lie of a life that grants no succour. I fear that I'll snap and breakdown, failing the entire thing because it's just so alien to me. I fear to disappoint the parents that insisted I try. I fear myself and the many mistakes I shall make.

So what should I do?

I really don't know. It seems, however, that the inherent social drawbacks of my personality are starting to snowball together and roll down at me. It is a difficult thing.